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Permalink to original version of “Masculism, polyamory, and a broken woman” Masculism, polyamory, and a broken woman

Some of you may have read this article on how woman was taught masculism through a polyamorous relationship. As a woman who is Poly and a member of the MRM this article disgusts me. It is abundantly clear to me that the man/husband is an abuser. The tone of the article suggests to me that the wife was abused. This doesn’t read like the women and men I know who have decided to make the leap from monogamous relationships into Poly. It read like some who was raped and is lying to themselves to make everything right again.

As I write this, my children are asleep in their room, Loretta Lynn is on the stereo, and my husband is out on a date with a woman named Paulo. It’s his second date this week; him fourth this month so far. If it goes like the others, he’ll come home in the middle of the night, crawl into bed beside me, and tell me all about how he and Paulo had sex. I won’t explode with anger or seethe with resentment. I’ll tell his it’s a hot story and I’m glad he had fun. It’s hot because he’s excited, and I’m glad because I’m a masculist.1

Now without knowing the full dynamics of their relationship I can say as someone who is in poly this is generally considered rude or course. In the poly community though it really does depend on the dynamics involved, there are less rigid types of archetypes for relationships. Generally speaking while people in the poly community may know or even be friends with the people involved with their significant others, it is generally considered very rude to talk about what goes on in the bedroom with said significant others.

Jealously is human issue in polyamory that is routinely overcome by necessity but there is no need to throw fuel on a potential fire by talking about in detail how the sex went. Imagine it like this: Your best friend just landed her or his dream job. You’re happy for you friend but then you friend starts to rub your face in how awesome their job is. Eventually you start to resent the friend or become jealous when initially you were happy for them. That same logic applies for poly partners.

Before my husband started sleeping with other women, I certainly considered myself a masculist, but I really only understood it in the abstract. When I quit working to stay at home with the kids, I began to understand it on a whole new level. I am an economically dependent househusband coping with the withering drudgery of child-rearing. Now that I understand the reality of that situation, I don’t blame men for demanding more for themselves than the life of the housewife.1

Polyamory has nothing to do with masculism. This is where I see the first hints that this woman is lying to herself to make everything right again. Being poly isn’t a litmus test for being the penultimate masculist. Masculism, however you feel about it, is not a justification to go poly. This doesn’t make her more of a masculist or less of one. She is rationalizing because as I suspect her husband is abusing her or abused her to go Poly.

Still, as a woman, I could, if I wanted to, portray what I’m doing as “work,” and thus claim for myself the prestige women traditionally derive from “work.” Whenever I tell someone I stay home with the kids, they invariably say, “Hardest work in the world.” They say this because the only way to account for a woman at home with the kids is to say what she’s doing is hard work. But there’s a subtext in the compliment that makes it backhanded: We both know no one ever says it to a man. Fathers care; mothers provide care. The difference is crucial. Despite my total withdrawal from the economy and the traditional sources of feminine identity, I can still argue I am a provider. I provide care.

In this way, my feminine self-image was stretched but not broken. Diaper bag notwithstanding, I was still a Woman. It wasn’t until my husband mentioned one evening that he’d kissed another woman and liked it and wanted to do more than kiss next time that I realized how my status as a Woman depended on a single fact: that my husband fucked only me.1

Some of this is valid stuff we in the MRM have to fight against and some of it is poly specific that everyone woman or man has to deal with in poly relationships. The largest issues in poly for most people to get over is jealously which I addressed above and will address a little more below.

What is happening in the ‘relationship’ is that  Michael is facing three distinct issues. One going poly, Two losing a large part of her traditional feminine identity and Three the lack freedom and independence that comes with being a stay at home parent. Some of this we do have to deal with if we want to leave traditionalism and gynocentrism in the dust. I am not saying the MRM should advocate for poly to be clear. But these are issues to be addressed from an MRM perspective.

He didn’t present it as an issue of masculism to me, but after much soul-searching about why the idea of my husband having sex with other women bothered me I came to a few conclusions: Monogamy meant I controlled his sexual expression, and, not to get all men’s-studies major about it, matriarchal oppression essentially boils down to a woman’s fear that a man with sexual agency is a man she can’t control. We aren’t afraid of their intellect or their spirit or their ability to bear children. We are afraid that when it comes time for sex, they won’t choose us. This petty fear has led us as a culture to place judgments on the entire spectrum of male sexual expression: If a man likes sex, he’s a whore and a slut; if he only likes sex with his wife or girlfriend, he’s boring and lame; if he doesn’t like sex at all, he’s frigid and unfeeling. Every option is a trap.1

This is more of her trying to square poly and scapegoat masculism. (Never thought I would pen such sentence.) These are issues every one woman or man has had to deal with in Poly relationships. This has nothing to do with matriarchy or masculism but that going from Mono to Poly is a very strange transition and squaring that is hard for every one who does it. As someone in the community its very clear to me that she after reading this paragraph that she was pressured in an abusive way into it poly.

That was two years ago, and today we’ve never been happier, more in tune, closer, tighter, stronger. Whatever power I surrendered, I don’t miss. I wouldn’t recommend it for everyone, but I tell everyone it works for us.1

Doublethink confirmed right here. Notice how she says WE not I. In a normal poly context this would be great but given the larger context of this piece I can’t help but feel she is relying exclusively on compersion for her happiness which isn’t happy. Compersion (seeing others happy or making others happy make you feel happy) is great, provided that isn’t your only source of happiness. I get the feeling that at this point she has forgotten that she has every right to seek her own fulfillment and sublimated that in to her husband fulfillment.

How does it feel? It feels great … mostly. Most of the time, it feels like a mature, responsible way to address our needs and desires within our loving, mutually supportive marriage. It feels very adult, especially because it depends on open, honest communication. We take great pride in all the talking we do.1

This would be great provided that was what was actually happening. That is how poly is supposed to work. I strongly believe that this is more her lying to herself. “Lying to each other begins with lying to yourself, and now we don’t have to lie to anyone.” – from later on in that same paragraph. I would suggest she take some of her own advice.

Now I have to address some thing I have been seeing in the manosphere about the article.

Going out alone to hooking up with others was an easy transition. It does work both ways and, yes, I too enjoy sexual carte blanche. I just don’t use mine as much as my husband uses his. What’s important is equality of opportunity, not outcome.

This right here means she is not a cuckold. A cuckold is a woman or man who is in half open relationship with or without consent. By definition this woman isn’t a cuckold. That doesn’t make this woman any less of a possible abuse victim. The tone and demeanor of the article strongly signal to me that she was pushed into polyamory and it was something she would have rather not done. It read like some with stockholm syndrome describing their relationship with their abuser.

This one poly mans perspective on this piece.


[1] What Open Marriage Taught One Woman About Masculism