Some deluded little bitch by the name of Emma Sarran wrote a column at Made Woman, in which he helpfully spells out ten things women need to stop doing right now if they want to date his or, really, date any man at all. With his cunty little tone, I doubt Sarah has a whole lot to worry about in terms of women wanting to date him. The image attached to his post pretty much says it all:
So I thought I’d do my part for gentlemen like Sarah, and point out ten things men need to stop doing now if they want to date a woman. You’re welcome, Sarah. Pay attention to that last one, would you?
Gals, do you ever have that moment when a new relationship goes bad (or fails to materialize in the first place) and you think to yourself, “What did I do wrong?”
Though I can’t say for sure—let’s be honest, men have a history of saying and doing some seriously stupid things—there are a few common male habits that send a strong, “Don’t date me” signal.
Next time you’re trying to snag a woman, try curbing these 10 unattractive tendencies in the process.
10. Touching yourself in public
Listen, we get it. You do everything you can to take your natural self and create some fake person. You spackle yourself with cosmetics and apply highlighter and bronzer to give yourself the illusion of cheekbones you don’t have and add extensions to your hair and paint your lips to look lush and you are obsessed with making sure your phoniness is perfect. But all this constant hair fluffing and checking your reflection and reapplying lipgloss can get a bit, well, gross. There is a mirror in the bathroom. Please use it, if you feel the overwhelming need to make sure your façade is in place. In the alternative, try just being yourself, and maybe hit the gym more often that the Lancome counter?
9. Being completely incapable of empathizing
Ugh, you men and your feelings, and lack thereof when it comes to anyone other than yourself. I’m no idiot; I know that most men will never be as sensitive, or as emotional, or as romantic towards women as women are towards men. Fine. But if you’d like to be in a successful relationship, ever, you need to learn to empathize. Whatever it is your woman is upset about—an annoying coworker, a grumpy friend, an overwhelming to-do list—show her you understand, and you feel what she feels. Otherwise, you’ll just come off as a shallow, superficial bitch.
8. Thinking “men’s rights” are a thing
Almost any time a women’s rights issue comes up in discussion, there’s at least one privileged, clueless bitch who feels the need to stand up and idiotically ask about men’s rights. Men have had all their legal rights for 40 years. Men have more legal rights than women. Western men are the most privileged, pampered adults that have ever lived. Sit down.
7. Finger-combing and shedding hair in public
I understand the occasional need to run your fingers through your hair; I’ll admit even I’m forced to do so after running (I dunno, something about sweat building up from the workout? Someone feel free to explain it to me). But it’s out of necessity, and I do it as subtly as possible—and you should, too. Meaning: not while you’re walking to work, or out running errands, or on a date (seriously, if you’re shedding hair on a date, you need to get your shit together), or pretty much anywhere that’s highly visible and public. Yes, we get that you love your hair. We love your hair, too. The hairballs that build up on the couch after you’ve finished shedding, not so much. Gentlemen, meet comb. Comb meet gentlemen.
6. Reading S&M
This might be tough to hear, but, bondage porn is. not. cool. I’m not talking about the occasional fan fiction (who didn’t succumb to the forces of Poldark or Harry Potter?). I’m talking about those weird, fantasy world (or relationship, or whatever it may be) books that invite you to imagine yourself a blushing ingénue with a billionaire girlfriend who apparently doesn’t have a job , who spends her free time (which seems to be all her time) tying you up and whipping you like a dog. The books that take up all your time when you could be, I don’t know, breathing in fresh air or building real relationships with real people. Just stop. Please.
5. Leaving the toilet seat down
I know, you’re rolling your eyes. This is quite possibly the most cliché complaint about men, and the one you hear the most. But there’s a reason for that. It’s fucking annoying. Imagine having to lift the seat on your own toilet every time you go to pee. That’s what we go through because of your entitled belief that you get to decide how the toilet works in other people’s homes. You are not the arbiter of the toilet, and if it’s not your toilet, then leave it the way you found it. And if you’ve left menstrual blood or products behind, clean up after yourself. Your father doesn’t live here. It’s that simple.
4. Playing hot and cold with your feelings
What is it that causes you to pull out all the stops when you pursue a woman, only to turn into the iceberg that sank the Titanic when she shows even the tiniest amount of reciprocal feelings? And then, of course, become a romantic puppy dog the second she gets over it and stops paying you any attention. If it’s some sort of game your BFFs, or the “Bitch Bible,” convinced you would work, just stop now. It doesn’t. It makes you seem fickle, immature and evil.
3. Having disgusting nails (and hands)
Yes, nail polish is “boyish.” Chipped, peeling, stained nails are not. If you are going to abuse nail salon workers and have them pretty up your hands for what amounts to slave wages, then take care of them. Looking like you just peeled the face off a zombie with your nails is gross. Try to recall that painted nails are optional and your choice. The alternative is soap and water. Use them. Clean, healthy hands and nails are always attractive.
2. Acting like a baby when your girlfriend is sick
Seriously, what’s the deal with that? Do you not understand that nobody is unbreakable (except Louis Zamperini, of course), and that if your girlfriend sustains some awful injury or has a real illness, she might need some help and support? But when you turn into a whining, heartless, selfish bitch who can’t believe his life might be interrupted by someone else’s cold, it’s, well, annoying. Make her some fucking soup and stop being such a cold, selfish cunt. Not everything in the world revolves around you and your comfort. It makes you sound like a sociopath at best and a psychopath at worst. Like you’re fucking …..
No matter what, do not ever go full crazy. Never.
Writing shit like this, Emma? That’s going full crazy. Get over yourself, you psycho little bitch. And get a cat. I’m not optimistic about your romantic future. You shouldn’t be either.
Lots of love,