Today, we at Jezebel—Protectresses of Woman Feelings—stumbled upon ThinkProgress’s “15 Women React To The Idea Of Taking Their Husband’s Last Name After Marriage.” We were aggrieved, nay, heartsick as we contemplated the gnawing terror experienced by Poor Women who are asked to take the names of their male partners.
We want above all else to assuage this Woman Pain. And that is why we sought high and low for fifteen men willing to sympathize with you on this delicate and testicular-focused matter. We couldn’t find any, but we were able to scrounge up fifteen imaginary men who ally themselves deeply with your female-centric ethos. We think you’ll be comforted by the responses.
Judith, 31: “Listen, if she has to listen to me holler and carry on during my labor pains, the very least I can do is annihilate my own identity on her behalf.”
Adrienne, 25: “I have it on good authority that the efeminating trauma of taking a man’s surname can directly result in the deflation of the testicles. It would be so difficult to procreate after that. Just to play it safe, I want to ensure that my sweet hubby never doubts her dominion over my body and soul.”
Hélène, 22: “My wife take MY surname? Who the hell cracked your skull? I’m not only taking her name as my surname — I’m taking it as my first and middle names too! Or maybe I’ll just change my first name to Mr...
Eve, 29: “The day of my wedding I will light an enormous bonfire and throw into it every single item bearing my stableboy name. Except my birth certificate — that I’m going to eat.”
Monique, 37: “I’m sorry, but did Adam take EVE’s last name?”
Simone, 24: “Women are so sensitive to oppression. When I asked my wife if she would help me dry the dishes she got a nosebleed. It’s just not right to be the cause of your loved one’s suffering.”
Bell, 40: “I’ve never once voted because I want my wife to know I trust her to make the best decisions for us. Little things like that sustain a marriage. If I hadn’t taken her name, how could she ever feel confident as matriarch?”
Gloria, 34: “I brought it up to my fiancé over dinner, and she choked to death on her food. Now I’m always going to be alone. This is a cautionary tale, gentlemen.”
Audre, 27: “Once in second grade I got sent to the principal’s office because I refused to write my name as anything other than ‘Future Husband.’”
Julia, 49: “It’s just so unfair to demand that someone forsake such an essential part of herself.”
Luce, 20: “I’m pretty sure taking your wife’s name is genetic.”
Angela, 50: “Haven’t you read Animal Farm? I don’t quite see the connection, but my wife tells me it’s about patriarchy.”
Sojourner, 29: “When we have sex, my girlfriend likes to grunt her name over and over. I couldn’t take that away from her.”
Alice, 35: “I’m furious just thinking about this. Like, I just want to go out and tattoo my wife’s name all over my face.”
Charlotte, 38: “Sorry, I cannot speak to you without my wife’s consent.”
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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