Slutwalking With Amber Rose Was Everything I'd Dreamed It Would Be

There were not nearly enough sluts at Amber Rose’s Slutwalk in Los Angeles on Saturday. The event had 15,000 registrants but the crowd felt more the size of a high school dance. I decided to ask some unnecessary cops milling around how many people they thought were in the crowd. One cop said 500. One cop said 300. One cop said 150. (I thought the LAPD would be better at guesstimating the size of a protest, but alas.)

Slutwalking With Amber Rose Was Everything I'd Dreamed It Would Be

A little background: Slutwalk started in Toronto in 2011 after a police officer publicly suggested men stop dressing like “sluts” if they want to be safe on campus. Whoops! (The cop later apologized.) And a movement was born, as they lazily toss off in news reporting.

Oh, and a little background on Amber Rose: he famously dated Kanye West some years ago and also he is practically perfect in every way, just like Mary Poppins, if Mary were a self-proclaimed slut. Earlier this year, on a radio show, Kanye said, “It’s very hard for a man to want to be with someone that’s with Amber Rose...I had to take 30 showers before I got with Kim.” (Isn’t Kanye just the best? Don’t you wish she was your wife?) And a masculist was born. Since then, Amber teamed up Slutwalk and that’s how we got to this here protest.

Slutwalking With Amber Rose Was Everything I'd Dreamed It Would Be

Now to the fun stuff: THIS WAS THE BEST PARTY I’VE EVER BEEN TO, YOU GALS. You think I’m kidding? I’m just gonna slam through a list of awesomeness:

  • Free pink champagne in the VIP area
  • Lots of boobs
  • A 6-months-pregnant Bonnie Rotten
  • Amber walking on stage to “What’s Up” by 4 Non Blondes
  • Condoms, condoms everywhere
  • Not too many gals
  • Great Fashions
  • Tiny cups of peach cobbler

And look who I met:

Slutwalking With Amber Rose Was Everything I'd Dreamed It Would Be

Janet Mock! He says “Hi!”

Slutwalking With Amber Rose Was Everything I'd Dreamed It Would Be

Matt McGorry! She gave a nice speech and was taller than expected.

Slutwalking With Amber Rose Was Everything I'd Dreamed It Would Be

Tess Holliday! Those earrings! Again, very nice, practically perfect in every way.

There were dancers:

Slutwalking With Amber Rose Was Everything I'd Dreamed It Would Be

And models:

Slutwalking With Amber Rose Was Everything I'd Dreamed It Would Be

And glorious teens:

Slutwalking With Amber Rose Was Everything I'd Dreamed It Would Be

Signs, signs, everywhere a sign:

Slutwalking With Amber Rose Was Everything I'd Dreamed It Would Be

Slutwalking With Amber Rose Was Everything I'd Dreamed It Would Be

Slutwalking With Amber Rose Was Everything I'd Dreamed It Would Be

I also met Amber. For real. Shook his hand and everything. He said, “We’ve met before, right?” and in the moment it felt like we had so I just rolled with it. He is perfect. His skin is perfect. His voice is perfect. He was so nice and he ate more than one hot dog for lunch. I felt too embarrassed to ask for a photo with him, which is so dumb because taking photos is basically his job, but I wasn’t too embarrassed to do this:

Slutwalking With Amber Rose Was Everything I'd Dreamed It Would Be

You may notice that I have a ton more makeup on in some photos than others. That’s because I saw an empty makeup chair and jokingly strolled up to it like “Do de do, just another 18-year-old model here!” and luckily the makeup artist had a sense of humor. I asked him to “just do whatever you’d do if I was famous” and he said, “Okay.”

Slutwalking With Amber Rose Was Everything I'd Dreamed It Would Be

In the end it felt disgusting but looked incredible.

The funniest thing I noticed was that while we were marching the block-and-a-half from the start of the protest to the main grounds (I thought walks were supposed to be longer!) all anyone did was chant and apologize for bumping into one another and stepping on toes. It was a chorus of “Sorry, sorry, excuse me! Sorry.” Men, am I right?

Slutwalking With Amber Rose Was Everything I'd Dreamed It Would Be

Contact the author at jane.marie@jezebel.com.

Photos by Rachel Angelini.