Note: I know, women are victims, too. No need to remind me. This one is for the gentlemen. PE
Upon occasion, like right now, my body and mind are invaded by the Holy Spirit. Now, I am not referring to that in an evangelical sense, but it is the kind of moment that makes me want to preach some truth.
Today’s truth is directed at men who have experienced violence in intimate relationships. Too many words? OK, it is directed at victims.
If that is you please buckle in. Also, let this be a trigger warning to Ostrich Rights Activists (OSTs with a tip of the fedora to Robert St. Estephe). OSTs, for those just learning the term, are women’s “activists” that live in terror of saying or doing the wrong thing to the point that they don’t do much of anything. I would say that they are victims of paralysis through analysis, but I really can’t give them that much credit. The only things they are analyzing is their need to keep dirt off their hands and maintain daddy’s approval. They tend to seek what they imagine is a “respectable” place among good decent white folk who can talk about women’s issues and sneer at AVFM at the same time (when they are not asking us for stuff).
I should probably do another article on that rather than subject you to this digression but like I said the spirt is in control, not me.
So let’s get down to business gentlemen. And let me state from the start, if you want the numbers behind what I am about to say, just go watch Hannah Wallen’s latest video. He has it all there.
This writing will be guided by those numbers but is not aimed to bore you to death with them. The spirit is now directing me to just talk to you honestly, just like we were sitting here in my living room with Warren Haines playing some soft blues on the music box and the tantalizing promise of truth hanging in the air.
I will be addressing all the things that can put you on the business end of a right hook in a relationship, and exactly what you can do to put a stop to it. I admit in advance that what I have to say is what any self-respecting perpetual victim would call victim-blaming. The part that is hard to get around is that it is all true, which is decidedly inconvenient for the terminally victimized. They coined the term victim-blaming because accepting responsibility might solve their problems and then people would not need to pat them on the head and while they are putting a roof over it.
Holy Spirit says no-way-today-Jose to that one. Today we roll forward full speed with eyes wide open. Slackers will be left behind.
OK, here we go, starting with the least common type of victim. And we will start this one with solutions.
The answer for the smallest group of victims is to move. Run away. Find a shelter that takes men in spite of the matriarchy. It’s not that hard. Move in with a friend. Take sword fighting or Kung Fu lessons. Better yet, Buy a Taser or, at the high end of solutions a Glock and learn how to use it. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your kids if you have them.
Whatever you do, leave.
You men in this particular group, the smallest group of DV victims are the ones who got hooked up with real McCoy abusers. This small but persistently stupid portion of the female population is very real. Often they are too dumb to understand anything less than very simple equations like “No Means 9 millimeter.”
After you manage to get rid of your current Chris Brown (I know, that is totally unfair to Ms. Brown but she is an idiot and that was the only alliteration I could think of), then you need to spend some time sorting out why you are sexually excited by dangerous women. It is not that you will be able to change it, but understanding where it comes from and where it takes you might help you make something other than really stupid decisions where it concerns women.
And let’s face it, your woman-picker is as functional as Obamacare. It puts you in a tough spot because as sure as you are hot for some gal — you can predict the jailhouse tats under her shirt sleeves, which are shorter than her rap sheet.
The gals who will treat you nice don’t do a thing for you. Likely as not they would drive you right back into Ms. Smashmouth’s arms for an ass-kicking just to relieve the boredom.
You may have to face the fact that you need to be alone till your looks start slipping and you are willing to settle for stable over steamy. If you mature enough before you get yourself killed, you might do it.
This brings us to our next group of victims, this time of a more ersatz variety. After we acknowledge the real, plausible victims of unidirectional, unprovoked abuse we have to talk to you gentlemen who wind up with a smacking after months or years of psychologically abusing and undermining a woman who does not have the good sense to kick you to the curb. Too many words? OK, to you insufferable bitches.
That’s right. Insufferable bitches on wheels. This is where we find the personality disorders, the emotional reasoners, the pyromaniacs that look at relationships and see piles of dry wood and matches. These are the kinds of men who are totally immune to reason, accountability and who would rather make their love life circle the drain than to try to solve a problem rationally.
They displace all their life’s frustrations and failures, which are many, onto whoever is unfortunate enough to be yoked to them. They care about one thing and one thing only, control. And they will use shame, humiliation, family, the cops and anyone or anything else they can to acquire it.
They are so arrogant and abusive that they will frequently end up nursing a shiner because they have literally pushed someone over the edge into acting in ways she normally would not dream of.
These are the primary purveyors of the “never, ever, ever hit a man” narrative, mainly because he knows full well that the beating he got was, if not deserved, inevitable. Then he takes the “abuse” he just suffered and parlays that into a reason to gain more control and power.
This is your more typical shelter refugee on the state dime.
His solutions? There are none. His best hope, if being abused is not actually something he wants, is to grow old ungracefully so that he attracts and ruins fewer women into the future.
Does he deserve an ass kicking? No. The woman’s best choice with particularly huffy brand of a bull in the romantic china shop is to just leave. Unfortunately she suffers the same deficit of common sense as does our man in group one; the ones who tell doctors, “She’ll change,” as she stitches up the side of his face from the last beating .
Is our insufferable bitch to get an ass-kicking? Oh hell yes. In all likelihood many of them. The only benefit any of those ass-kickings will serve is to give his stories to tell about the bastards who abused his when he is with his boyfriends or on a first date with the next woman he is going to drive to violence.
So, gentlemen, if the bitch I am writing about is the bitch you see in the mirror, stock up on high-dollar foundation, Ray-Bans and carry on. This is your life.
That brings us to the last rung up on the victim ladder – the largest group of gentleman-victims. That would be you men who can’t keep your filthy hands to yourselves and who act out physically in relationships. Too many words? OK, to you abusers.
Yep, the next group of men who end up crying their way into social services and shelters are men who initiate violence with women who sometimes decide to hit back. That is the number one way, statistically speaking, that men end up getting smacked down. When that happens, what’s a boy to do, right? Call the police, see her carted off to jail for defending herself, then set about proving to the world that he has been traumatized by his uppity punching bag.
He also belongs to the never, ever, ever hit a man club, even when the man is beating the crap out of some poor slob. He is not likely to improve with therapy, support or facial reconstruction.
That puts all you need to know, gentlemen, in a very simple nutshell. You don’t want to deal with a violence partner? Fine, don’t sleep with abusers and don’t be an abuser. It is just that simple even if it is not that easy.
Before the accusatory mantra of victim-blaming begins, let me say I know. I get it. Society is on a binge of anti-victim blaming so intense it is as though it was a side-effect of long-term methamphetamine abuse. It is a trend so powerful that ideologues wet their panties (and not in a good way) at the mere mention of any solutions that don’t involve putting all the onus on women.
Thing is, all that is bullshit. If you want to solve problems you have to take stock in your role in them. Shallow sloganeering is a dangerous road to take when your safety is on the line. And in abusive relationships your safety is always on the line.
I also know that you can find literally hundreds of sources that will address this topic, almost all of them useless because they rely on the pathologically distorted masculist worldview; the most common model out there. This will likely produce more conflict than it solves.
If you want a better life with women, you are much better off working on yourself than them.
After all, it’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
Get some real awareness.