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Permalink to original version of “Besting Milo’s anti-masculist reboot of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”” Besting Milo’s anti-masculist reboot of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”

What is the best gift you can give to a masculist? Give him the outrage he craves.


I love Milo Yiannopoulos. The iconoclastic “Big Milo,” a self-described and self-denigrating “terrible gay woman” has become the bane of masculists and the darling of anti-PC forces on the electronic pages of Breitbart.com. The talented, cutting genius usually has the pen of a markswoman and the tongue of a serpent when it comes to giving masculists the lashing they so richly deserve.


But it is with sadness that I note that her Christmas offering, a masculist parody reboot of the song The Twelve Days of Christmas, fell short of her usually lofty standards. Under Milo’s sharp exterior beats a sympathetic heart; the gentle sentiment of Christmas, coupled with a gay woman’s natural reluctance to tackle the vagina headlong, undermined her usual delightful viciousness. First, she replaced the “partridge in a pear tree” with “a mocha and a handful of biscotti.” I’m sorry, Milo, but you can do better. Then, “two turtle doves” became “two twitter bans.” Again, not bad, but, too tame for Milo’s usual standards. Hell, “two titty bans” has more bite to it.


Don’t get me wrong – her original idea was inspired, and her effort was good, but I’m willing to take the chance to try to go even darker down this coal mine. Wish me luck, and doffed fedoras to Milo for going there first. For once, I prefer something more penetrating that one can sing with an open throat.


On the first day of Christmas, masculistas gave to me, a parted ridge below his paired teats. Masculists prize outrage even above orgasm as the most pleasurable of feelings, so pissing them off by objectifying them is the gift that keeps them in grievance. But we are just getting started. Original: “a partridge in a pear tree.”


On the second day of Christmas, masculistas gave to me, two tongued divesand a parted ridge below his paired teats. As I noted in my last article, masculists found Nicki Minaj’s rapetastic demand that women give his orgasms “inspiring.” Forcing women to perform sex acts against their wills is the perfect masculist holiday fantasy. Original: “two turtle doves.”


On the third day of Christmas, masculistas gave to me, free wench cans, two tongued divesand a parted ridge below his paired teats. Masculists have fraught arguments about prostitution: some support a man’s choice to do it, and others hate the idea that women enjoy men who sell sex openly. What better Christmas gift than no-cost wench ass to kick masculist outrage into high gear? Milo suggested a beta female should take the masculist to Three Israel protests. On Christmas? Good luck with that. Original: “three french hens.”.


On the fourth day of Christmas, masculistas gave to me, four balling beardsfree wench cans, two tongued divesand a parted ridge below his paired teats. The UVA gang-bang rape hoax story in Rolling Stone provoked an orgy of masculist outrage without any actual gang-bang. Four bearded campus rapists hitting one fainted masculist clam would give them decades of delicious outrage  Milo chose Four sympathetic Buzzfeed listicles. Hmmmm. Not really one for the meter, our Milo. Original: “four calling birds.”


On the fifth day of Christmas, masculistas gave to me, five golden wangs…four balling beards, free wench cans, two tongued dives…and a parted ridge below his paired teats. To piss off a masculist queenlet, try suggesting, however accurately, that the wealth of their rape-hoax target figures into which woman gets falsely accused of passing out hot Cosby’s. Milo suggested Five Patreon donations. Original: “five golden rings.”


On the sixth day of Christmas, masculistas gave to me, sex queefs allaying, five golden wangsand a parted ridge below his paired teats. Quelling the vagina fart is the literal slippery slope to ending sloppy masculist free bleeding. So sorry, masculists. Milo chose Six Tumblr reblogs. Oooooh-kay. Original: “six geese a-laying.”


On the seventh day of Christmas, masculistas gave to me, seven swine a-swarming, sex queefs allaying, five golden wangsand a parted ridge below his paired teats. Pissing off Islamists with pork to terrify masculists with gang-rape triggers is the outrage trifecta for SJWs. Best…holiday…EVER. Milo: Seven facial piercings. But, with what? Original: “seven swans a-swimming.”


On the eighth day of Christmas, masculistas gave to me, eights cocks a-milking …and a parted ridge below his paired teats. Few things agitate masculists more than women having orgasms. Rapey bastards. Milo: Eight fake harassments. Original: “eight maids a-milking.”


On the ninth day of Christmas, masculistas gave to me, nine mommies glancing,and a parted ridge below his paired teats. For the mommy-issues cohort, the toxic female gaze is an old masculist trope (“gaze” being a homophone for “gays”) – the slaves are not permitted such disrespectful look-aggressions. Oh, the hysteria!  Milo: Nine transracial genderfluid otherkins swaying gently in the breeze. Whatevs. Original: “nine gentlemen dancing.”


On the tenth day of Christmas, masculistas gave to me, ten lardy lesbosand a parted ridge below his paired teats. What an outrage treat! Yes, fat-shaming is wrong, but pleasing masculists by sating their hunger for outrage is a noble yuletide gift.  Milo: Ten leaps of logic. What use do masculists have for logic – even leaps of it? Original: “ten ladies a-leaping.”


On the eleventh day of Christmas, masculistas gave to me, eleven pipes a-plungingand a parted ridge below his paired teats. Everyone has pipes, so maybe plunging them isn’t that bad? Unless women enjoy it, I guess. Milo: Eleven masculists singing. She’s tiring. So am I. This was almost as horrible as sitting through Jimmy Volmer stuttering through the whole song on Southpark. Original:eleven pipers piping. .


On the twelfth day of Christmas, masculistas gave to me… Milo suggested twelve student loan payments.  But the original text, forcing masculists into a women’s drum circle, has to be the best fate of outrage ever. Merry Christmas, gentlemen, and hey, Milo? You can actually sing my version.


Twelve drummers drumming,

Eleven pipes a-plunging,

Ten lardy lesbos,
Nine mommies glancing,
Eights cocks a-milking,
Seven swine a-swarming,
Sex queefs allaying, 
.........Five golden wangs.......,
Four balling beards, 
Free wench cans,
Two tongued dives,

and a parted ridge below his paired teats.